Dakota Johnson's Arachnid Misadventure Is the 'Cats' of Superhero Movies

Madame Web is the newest addition to Sony's roster of Spider-Man–related films and another of the company's corporate crossovers with Marvel Studios. The teaser was released and stirred up excitement, with fans ripping into everything from Dakota Johnson's line deliveries to the curious low-rent look of the visuals. Some of the shit-talking could be attributed to old-fashioned fanboy misogyny, but the odd mix of hyperventilating crash-bang-boom business and a lack of star power felt like it was one step away from parody.

The movie isn't as bad as its somewhat botched promotional campaign suggests, but it's much worse. It's a genuine Chernobyl-level disaster that seems to get worse as it goes along. No decision seems sound, and not a single performance feels in sync with the material. The sole amazing fact is that someone, somewhere signed off on releasing it.

The movie revolves around a paramedic turned precognitive matron Cassie Webb, played by Dakota Johnson. Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced, and Celeste O'Connor are three twentysomethings cast as teens who are mysteriously drawn to Webb and will become a trio of future Spider-Women. Tahar Rahim plays the power-mad Ezekiel Sims. Adam Scott, Emma Roberts, Mike Epps, Zosia Mamet, and Kerry Bishé drop by as well.

The movie isn't worth watching, and until Madame Web is retconned into a sort of cult camp classic, years from now, you're left with a present in which you're compelled to cringe for two hours, pretend none of this ever happened, and ruefully say the words you'd never imagine uttering: "Come back, Morbius, all is forgiven."

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